Xie (xie_xie_xie) wrote in qaf_crackfic,
Xie
xie_xie_xie
qaf_crackfic

Assbaby!Jesus: A Brian/Justin Christmas Story

This is a little holiday crack written by _alicesprings, happier_bunny, epicallytired, and xie_xie_xie, and illustrated by reeface.

Warnings: Mpreg. Blasphemy. Please believe us when we tell you this.
Authors' Notes: With apologies to plumsuede for gratuitous candied walnut reference.
Rating: NC-17




Assbaby!Jesus:
A Brian/Justin Christmas Story

By _alicesprings , happier_bunny , epicallytired , and xie_xie_xie
Illustrated by reeface

The birth of the assbaby!Jesus (Gus for short) came to pass in this way.

There was in the days of old, living in the town of Pittsburgh in the Holy Land of Pennsylvania, a young virgin named Justin. The Virgin Justin was betrothed to Joseph!Brian, who worked helping to promote the building projects of a small group of carpenters in the town of Pittsburgh.

Even though Joseph!Brian was betrothed to the Virgin Justin, he had never known him as a man knows another man. Which should be obvious since if he had, he’d no longer be the Virgin Justin.

One day, the Angel Daphne came to the Virgin Justin and said, “Hail, Justin! You, out of all the virgins in Pittsburgh, have found favor with God. Don’t be afraid! You will conceive a child, whose name will be Jesus (Gus for short). And he will be great and God will give him the throne of his father and he’ll teach all people everywhere to love and accept each other, and bring peace and charity to humanity and the earth, and of his kingdom there will be no end.”

And the Virgin Justin said to the Angel Daphne, “How can this be, since I am a virgin, and also, you know, a male, and have no ovaries or womb or any way to conceive or give birth to a child?”

And the Angel Daphne said, “Nothing is impossible with God. Not even male pregnancy.” And the Angel Daphne departed from him.

When the perky bubble butt of the Virgin Justin became even perkier and bubblier than usual, it was found that he was with assbaby. Joseph!Brian wasn’t an unkind man and didn’t want to subject the Virgin Justin to public ridicule, so he decided to quietly break their betrothal and send the Virgin Justin away.

But while he lay in bed that night, behold, the Angel Daphne appeared to him, and said:

"Joseph!Brian, fear not to keep the Virgin Justin as the guy you fuck more than once, because the assbaby he conceived is the son of the Holy Ghost. And the Virgin Justin shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name Jesus (Gus for short): and he shall save the world from intolerance, homophobia, and the right wing agenda."

So Joseph!Brian thought it over, and decided that since there really was no other explanation for how a virgin, who was incidentally also a biological male and thus totally without a uterus or any possible way to conceive or carry or give birth to a child, could be pregnant, that it was most likely divine intervention or maybe aliens, and also since he was at this point likely to agree to anything that would allow him to fuck the Virgin Justin’s tight little ass, he agreed that, this time, he would take him back.

As the Virgin Justin’s pregnancy advanced, his ass became even rounder and more luscious than it normally was, which was very round and luscious indeed, and sometimes it was all Joseph!Brian could do to restrain his desire for the fair-skinned, blond, blue-eyed Virgin Justin, especially when the Virgin Justin wrapped himself in the blue veil that brought out the azure depths of his eyes.

One night the Virgin Justin and Joseph!Brian were sitting around their small but airy home high in the hills over Pittsburgh.  Joseph!Brian was sitting next to the Virgin Justin and playing idly with his silky blond hair. The Virgin Justin had his head on the shoulder of Joseph!Brian, and let his full lower lip pout out just a little.

Joseph!Brian could resist the temptation no more and leaned forward and captured the Virgin Justin’s lips in a kiss. It started out as just a soft touch of the lips, but deepened as passion overwhelmed them.

At first the Virgin Justin let Joseph!Brian’s lips ravage his, but after a few minutes they pulled apart, gasping for the air they’d been denied during the kiss. Joseph!Brian moved to go back to the Virgin Justin’s lush mouth, but the oxygen had brought the Virgin Justin to his senses, and he pushed the older man away. “Joseph!Brian! We can’t! It might hurt the assbaby Jesus (Gus for short)!”

Joseph!Brian knew that the Virgin Justin was right, and spent the night on the sofa.

Now, Herod!Ethan, the king of Pennsylvania, decreed that there should be a census taken, and that everyone should travel to the town of their birth to be counted.

Joseph!Brian's initial reaction was "Fuck that," but the Virgin Justin convinced him that sometimes a man has to do what he believes in, and stand up and be counted.  After all, many services to the poor and needy, as well as public education, were funded based on the results of the census. And so they readied themselves for the trip. Knowing they would be gone a long time, Joseph!Brian divested himself of most of his belongings.

Joseph!Brian got a donkey to help the Virgin Justin, heavy with assbaby, travel to his native town of Bethlehem. They traveled the long distance with the Virgin Justin slung over the back of the donkey on his perfectly flat tummy, because he was too advanced in his pregnancy to risk riding on his ass.
 
Late one night, cold, weary, and sore, Joseph!Brian, the Virgin Justin, and their donkey arrived at the door of the Liberty Inn. The innkeeper, Deb, and her brother, Vic, made them welcome, but sadly informed them that, due to the large number of people flooding into Bethlehem for the census, there was no room at the inn.

Taking pity on the Virgin Justin, heavy with assbaby, she led the way to the stable.

Joseph!Brian complained verily and loudly about the accommodations. He was about to begin another long, heartfelt speech about reasonable preparation not having been made by the innkeepers or town officials, when the Virgin Justin brought forth his assbaby, and they named him Jesus (Gus for short).
 
And in the same region there were shepherds out in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And the Angel Daphne appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and the shepherds Mel and Lindz were filled with fear. And the Angel Daphne said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of a great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is born this day in Bethlehem an assbaby, who is Jesus (Gus for short). And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger.”

When the Angel Daphne went away from them into heaven, the shepherds Mel and Lindz said to one another, “Let us go over to Bethlehem and see this assbaby.” And they went with haste and found the Virgin Justin and Jospeh!Brian, and the assbaby Jesus (Gus for short) lying in a manger, the sunshine of the Virgin Justin’s smile rivaling the angelic glory of god in its radiance.


Eight days later, Joseph!Brian was out in the courtyard of the inn playing dice with Vic, when the shepherd Lindz walked past. Vic called out to ask where she was going, and the shepherd replied she was going to the circumcision of assbaby Jesus (Gus for short).

Joseph!Brian jumped up, letting the dice fall where they may, and went into the stable. He dragged the Virgin Justin into a stall in the back, and demanded to know what was going on, and how the Virgin Justin could consider allowing their assbaby Jesus (Gus for short) to be mutilated.

The shepherd Mel was nearby and overheard, and reminded Joseph!Brian that the they were all Jews, and Jews circumcised their sons because it was God’s way of setting them aside from non-Jews, and that Joseph!Brian had no right to interfere with a religious ceremony.

The Virgin Justin was weeping in the corner, and dabbing at his azure orbs with his sky-blue veil. Joseph!Brian felt a pang of regret that he had to hurt the Virgin Justin, but he needed to protect his assbaby, Jesus (Gus for short).

After the shepherd Lindz had dragged the shepherd Mel away, Joseph!Brian pulled the Virgin Justin into his arms.

“Don’t cry, Justin. At least now that you’ve had the baby, I can rim you and fuck you all night, and everything will be fine.”

The Virgin Justin sniffled and brushed away a tear. “How can you say that, Joseph!Brian? We’ll have the care of our assbaby Jesus (Gus for short), and we’ll never have time for sex.”

And with that, the Virgin Justin swept out of the stall and returned to his assbaby.

Joseph!Brian stood staring after him.

Now, news of the assbaby Jesus (Gus for short) had spread, and three Wise Men named Michael, Ted, and Emmett came from the East, saying, “Where is this assbaby born of a virgin, for we have seen his star in the east, and are come to worship him.”
 
News of the Wise Men and the assbaby Jesus (Gus for short) came to the ears of Herod!Ethan. He had long wanted a virgin of his own to have his assbabies, and he was angered at this news. So he gathered all the chief priests and scribes of the people together, and demanded of them where the assbaby was born.
 
And they told him, “In Bethlehem.”

So when the Wise Men came to Herod!Ethan, he told them, “Go and search diligently for the assbaby born of the virgin; and when ye have found him, bring me word again, that I may come and worship him also.”
 
When they had heard the king, they departed; and, lo, the star, which they saw in the east, went before them, till it came and stood over where the assbaby was.
 
When they saw the star, they rejoiced with exceeding great joy.
 
And when they were come into the house, they saw the assbaby with the Virgin Justin, and fell down, and worshipped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts: Condoms, lube, and ecstasy.
 
And being warned by the Angel Daphne in a dream that they should not return to Herod!Ethan, they departed into their own country another way.

That night, while assbaby Jesus (Gus for short) was sleeping, Joseph!Brian kissed the Virgin Justin and took him by the hand, leading him to a soft pile of straw in a nearby stall. The Virgin Justin’s full lips were warm and soft, and made Joseph!Brian want to feel them wrapped around his shaft.  Instead, he lowered the Virgin Justin into the clean straw, and kissed his neck. He moved his mouth lower until his tongue was probing the tight hole of the Virgin Justin. And Joseph!Brian was relieved, for although the Virgin Justin had given birth to the assbaby Jesus (Gus for short), it was a miraculous birth and he was still virginally tight. Joseph!Brian pressed his tongue deeper into the Virgin Justin, and was gratified to feel the Virgin Justin's body respond. A taste like vanilla ice cream with a hint of candied walnuts, and possibly cumin, filled his mouth.

When Joseph!Brian was sure that the Virgin Justin was more than ready to become the man previously known as the Virgin Justin, he moved the bearer of the son of god's ankles onto his own shoulders, and used one of the condoms supplied by one of the three Wise Men.  When he applied the lube supplied by another of the three Wise Men, the Virgin Justin winced at the cold. Joseph!Brian assured him that it would heat up. 

As he pushed slowly into him, the Virgin Justin gasped. Joseph!Brian gazed lovingly at him, saying that although it might hurt, and he might feel it more than he felt the miraculous birth, that this feeling was a part of it.  He watched the no-longer-Virgin Justin's face as he pushed deeper, sharing the love that god quite clearly wanted for them. 

The no-longer-virgin Justin's body clamped around Joseph!Brian, hot and tight and clearly still somewhat virginal. The sounds the former virgin Justin made as Joseph!Brian moved within him drove the older man quickly towards the need to proclaim his belief in god.  And then he collapsed on the smaller frame of the devirginized Justin, and felt soft hands running through his hair, and the non-virgin Justin’s warm body pressed against his, and he decided it was good.
 
Just then, the assbaby Jesus (Gus for short) cried from the manger, and the now-non-virgin Justin pressed a quick kiss to Joseph!Brian’s shoulder and went to him.

Frustrated, Joseph!Brian fell into a fitful rest. And while he slept, behold, the Angel Daphne appeared to Joseph!Brian in a dream, saying, “Arise, and take the assbaby and the now non-Virgin Justin, and flee, and be thou there until I bring thee word: for Herod!Ethan will seek the assbaby to destroy him, and take the one he believes to still be the Virgin Justin to be his own.”
 
So Joseph!Brian, arose, and woke up the now-non-virgin Justin where he was sleeping in the other stall with the assbaby Jesus (Gus for short), and told him what the Angel Daphne had revealed.

After much discussion, they called the shepherds Mel and Lindz, gave assbaby Jesus (Gus for short) to them to hide and raise as their own child, while Joseph!Brian took Justin to Babylon.

The End
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